Misery
by numbah 1 HPFan
Summary: The end of the war was even worse than she could have ever imagined. A oneshot of Keena's first reactions after Sirius' arrest. This is set during Making Promises.


Misery

**Disclaimer; it all goes to JK.**

**Here's a one-shot about Keena's alcohol problem just after Sirius' arrest and before Lily and James' funeral (there was about three weeks or so in between). This story goes along with Making Promises. **

The words were searing themselves into my brain as I stared dully at the parchments in front of me.

"_…you heartless bitch! Shirking off your duties as that poor child's godmother…!" "You ought to be ashamed, leaving the child to drown out your own pitiful sorrows…!" "…and never in all my days have I seen such disgrace!" "…nothing but a dirty _mudblood_; people like you are the reason muggleborns are brought low!" "…bad enough you left your own godson to rot, but now you dishonor him by attempting to free your lover? Shame! Absolute shame on you…!" _

"Keena?"

With dry eyes, I lifted my head to look at Remus before lifting the bottle in my hand to take another, long drink. The scorch of it hardly burned anymore. This stuff wasn't strong enough for me. Remus closed his eyes and sighed before walking over to the table and bending over to lift up the stack of parchments.

"I'm not finished with those," I said loudly as he carried them to the fireplace before unceremoniously dumping them all in. I only stared as he lit the fire with his wand, watching the truth burn before my eyes. I closed my eyes and shook my head, leaning back into the couch and lifting the bottle before lowering it, uttering a low curse. "Swear to Merlin's grave they put in less of the stuff every bloody time," I said, dropping the empty bottle onto the table, though Remus snatched it up.

He didn't say anything when he came back into the living room, but grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the kitchen. A dull light went off in my head as I remembered that I'd forgotten to take the trash out before he came home. He led me over to the waste basket where the other empty bottles lay innocently in a pile. "How much more of this?" he demanded. "How much more?"

I snorted and wrenched my arm out of his grasp. "Ask those bloody know-it-alls how much more I should take! They seem to have a damn good idea as to what I shoulda done!"

"How many times have I told you to ignore those letters? Don't even open them, Keena; you know what they do to you!"

"Damn straight, I do! They remind me of the truth!" my shout echoed slightly in my head and my world began to spin a little.

"Merlin, Keena, can't you see how wrong they are?" he nearly groaned, though he had lowered his voice.

I scoffed and made to turn away, but my foot caught on something, probably my other foot, and I slipped and slammed into the wall. I allowed myself to slide down to the floor and cradled my head in my hands. I felt Remus' hands on my shoulders and I began to shudder with broken sobs. "Go _away_," I moaned, but he ignored me and managed to lift me into his arms.

I didn't protest as he brought me upstairs to my room and set me on my bed. He left the door wide open to allow light in from the hallway and I heard every thud of his footsteps as he went back down the stairs. Minutes later, I could hear their voices as he returned with her.

"How bad is she this time?" Amanda's voice was resigned and I clenched my eyes shut, knowing that even if I had fallen asleep that they'd awaken me to make certain I got the potions I needed anyway.

"Two cases of Firewhiskey," Remus' reply was quiet, but he sounded broken and I let the tear fall down my face at being the cause of his pain. "Amanda, I've done everything I can think of, but she won't talk to me about it and she's getting worse,"

They paused just outside of my room and I heard the sound of a nose being blown and a gentle rustling noise, indicating a hug. I blew out a breath of air, feeling nauseated when I inhaled the stink of my drunken breath.

* * *

His voice was on repeat in my head. "_I've got some upsetting news...The Longbottoms, well, they aren't up to talking..." _Rage. Pure rage. I had seen them today and he had lied. It wasn't upsetting; it was atrocious. It was disgusting. It was my fault.

"You only called it upsetting news; you didn't tell me how bloody awful they were going to be!" I screamed, slamming the door to his bedroom open as he jerked awake at the noise.

"Bloody hell, Keena, it's two in the morning," Remus shouted, sitting up from his bed. "What the hell are you talking about? I thought you were with Nickie!" he blinked rapidly as I flicked my wand to turn the lights on.

"They're still suffering the after effects of the damned curse and you called it upsetting?" I shrieked, ignoring him completely. He deserved this. He had tried to thin the guilt out, to take it away from me. "What were you thinking? That I'd see them like that and say to myself 'Merlin that's upsetting'? Can't you have just come out and said 'Keena, you bloody forgot the Longbottoms would be tortured beyond all recognition?" I was sobbing now and my shouts were beginning to jumble together.

"When did you go to see them?" he asked quietly.

"Before I went to meet Nickie," I answered angrily. "Because I knew you wouldn't let me go. I'm an adult, Remus Lupin, I can bloody well take my own guilt when it's served,"

His expression changed to anger in an instant. "You think that this is handling your guilt? Keena, every time I turn around your bloody drunk again! It hasn't even been a month; there are still Death Eaters to catch and all you can do is wallow in your own self-pity!"

I gasped in shock, but Remus wasn't finished. He stood up and came to stand right in front of me so that I was forced to look up at him.

"Why don't you try to be adult about all of this? Talk to someone, anyone! Just leave the damned drinks alone, at least for awhile! We haven't even been able to bury their bodies and I-" He choked for a moment before continuing. "And I know part of that is due to the Death Eaters, but the other part is you, Keena! You were the one they wanted to make the arrangements for them! It's bad enough that you've been pining for Sirius Black, don't for Merlin's sake forget about your own brother!" his last shout left me stunned.

We stood in absolute silence for five minutes, him glaring at me and me staring wide-eyed at him. Finally, I closed my mouth and shut my eyes for a moment before speaking.

"I will start arrangements for the funeral in the morning and I will not have anything to drink until they've been buried. Will that satisfy you?" I finished, opening my eyes to look up into the light blue ones of the werewolf.

"It will for now," he answered thinly before sighing. "Go to bed, Keena, I'll floo Amanda,"

"I'm drunk, Remus," I said distantly, though in the back of my head I knew that I wasn't as bad as I had been a mere hour ago. "Not ill; let Amanda deal with real patients for once and I'll sober up the muggle way,"

I met his gaze as fully as I was able and he nodded, turning to climb back into his bed.

I woke up the next morning with a sore throat and pounding headache, only faintly aware of the conversation Remus and I had had last night. I groaned to myself before getting up and heading to the bathroom to wash out the taste of morning and Firewhiskey before heading down to the kitchen.

Remus sat at the table with a newspaper and a cup of tea to accompany his breakfast of cereal. I went to the cabinet and plucked the box off the shelf along with a bowl, grabbing a spoon on my way to the table.

"Remus?" I said quietly, fully aware that the fight we'd had was worse than usual even if I couldn't quite remember all of the details as much as I'd've liked. He looked up at me with slightly red eyes, probably due to his interrupted sleep. "I'm sorry for last night. I shouldn't've said those things to you,"

"You don't remember what you said, though, do you?" he asked with a small shake of his head. "Not clearly anyway, but can't you see that's the danger of this? You're going to go too far one day, Keena,"

"Could we please just not?" I replied, closing my eyes. "I can't think about this right now. Not any of it, it hurts too much,"

"I know it hurts, don't you think I'm in pain over this too?" he accused, though he didn't raise his voice at me.

"I'm not discounting your pain, Remus," I answered patiently. "I would never do that,"

"You discount it every time you open another bottle," he returned, laying the paper down on the table and standing up. "I have to go; I'll be late for work otherwise,"

"Alright," I sighed.

"Keena?" he said, pausing in the doorway. I turned to face him fully. "Don't forget, you promised nothing again before the funeral,"

I gave him a sad smile. "When have I ever broken a promise?"

His face was blank. "You come nearer to it every day,"

**Hey all, so I think it's pretty clear at this point that I've been getting some writer's block with the main story so I've decided to clear it out a bit by writing this one-shot. If you enjoyed it, though, go ahead and review if you'd like to see more of them in addition to my updates because I've got a few others like this one (though they aren't all this…depressing) floating around in my head that never made it into the main story. They'll be getting written anyway seeing as it seems to have helped tremendously with my writer's block. Thanks for reading and I'll be updating soon! **

**:-D **


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